Once again, I still think honesty is better.

Today was a different day. Golf today was at the driving range which was exciting - but my back was still acting up so I didn't know how much shoulder turn I would be able to create. After warming up it ended up being all ok! However, I opted to not work out today and just take it easy.

Most of today was designated chores around the apartment. I did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, reorganized my clothes and closet, and dusted around the room. I managed to get a nap in there too!

Late this afternoon however, I got this call from a friend (I was sleeping so I checked the message after I woke up!). I called her back and we started talking. I was dumbfounded. She basically let me know that she felt that there was this wedge between us, and we proceeded to hunt down the source and history of this issue. Sure there were layers and layers to dig through, but at one point she told me that she had been offended just after spring break - and instead of coming to me, she let it fester and grow and grow, until now she wasn't comfortable talking to me about anything personal, and wouldn't even be comfortable praying with me in a group!

A million things came flying at me, and million thoughts rushed through my head, and another million emotions to go with all of them. In the end, I felt more betrayed than anything. We have had a dozen lunches together since that time, and plenty of other hang out times and conversations. She chose to hide it and let it grow. I felt like she was cutting me with cancer. Was I at fault? Of course to some extent. I caught whiffs of something every once in a while, but figured it was a bad day, or a stupid comment. I was not prepared for this. Now what?

She wants it to be healed, over, back to where it was - and I haven't even had time to look down and see how deep the wound is. I agree there must be reconcilliation, but she has had a couple months to recognize where this took her. I have no idea what will come up from the black spots on my own heart. Now it is my turn to pay for what's coming - and I haven't figured out yet how to stop a thunderstorm:

How do you perceive me? How do you? Or You? How much should that matter? Am I honest? Aren't I honest? Are you honest with me? Am I overbearing? Am I power hungry? Am I proud? Am I bitter? Am I brave? Am I prepared? What do I know? What do I need to know? What evil will come out of me next? What good? What evil will come for me next? What if acting rightly ends up wrong? Do I often think wrong decisions are right ones? Do people like me or just put up with me? Am I worth liking, or loving? What else is behind the corner? When do I just need to shut up? When do I say my piece? Does anything heal all the way? What's the next move? Can I answer any of these questions? Who am I? Who am I to you? To You?

I feel a breeze.

Eternal Father, strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who biddest the mighty ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Christ! Whose voice the waters heard
And hushed their raging at Thy Word,
Who walked on the foaming deep,
And calm amidst its rage didst sleep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

Most Holy Spirit! Who didst brood
Upon the chaos dark and rude,
And bid its angry tumult cease,
And give, for wild confusion, peace;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea!

O Trinity of love and power!
Our family shield in danger’s hour;
From rock and tempest, fire and foe,
Protect us wheresoever we go;
Thus evermore shall rise to Thee
Glad hymns of praise from land and sea.

Quick notes:

1) I still think honesty is better.
2) I am what I am and nothing else. But what exactly is that?
3) Dust finds its way into the most amazing places.
4) Bravery. The world could use more of it.
5) What's life without the next hill?
6) I can get full off of a five-egg omelet.
7) It's pretty impressive to fold a five-egg omelet!
8) Did I mention I still think honesty is better?

...to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.